Only after I learned of the magic of invalidating arguments through the use of your hair becoming a bird did I begin to understand how the universe operates.
If there is only one way that I have impacted the lives of those around me for the last two years, it has been through granting these fortunate souls a greater understanding of the mystique of one man. That man goes by the name of Nicolas Cage.
The legend goes that one night during my senior year of high school, in what was no doubt an attempt to keep myself from doing some type of homework, I began to surf the web. And somehow, on that fateful night, I came across this beautiful image. Suddenly, all of the answers of the universe were at my fingertips. "My hair is a bird," Nic Cage seemed to bellow to me, "therefore, all of your arguments have been invalidated." Wiser words had never been spoken to me in my life.
However, the journey towards enlightenment did not end there. Oh no, dear readers, there was much more in store for me. More than I could ever imagine. I was about to realize the greatness that is Nicolas Cage. From invalidating my arguments, he led me to this clip, displaying his AAA grade acting chops in the all time classic film The Wickerman.
Oscar caliber stuff right here, folks.
Following this revelation, the fates directed me towards this video, displaying all of Nic Cage's finest moments....
Words cannot describe the perfection Nicolas Cage has achieved within his chosen craft.
....along with this one showing his masterful ability to shapeshift on a moment's notice.
Nic Cage is crafty like ice is cold (a high five to anyone who gets the reference).
If you think that my discoveries ended there, you are dead wrong. Following the rush of the secrets of the universe being implanted in my mind via Nic Cage, I discovered his true purpose on Earth - to become every single person to have ever existed in the history of forever. On that fateful eve, I discovered the blog niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com, a website dedicated to placing the face of Nicolas Cage on every person - and sometimes thing - imaginable. The results leave all that bear witness in awe, and I was no different.
Abraham Cage
Sitting Cage
Gandalf the Cage
Joseph DuCage
Edgar Allan Cage
You get the idea. There are plenty more where those came from and elsewhere on the internet. From that night onward, I could never take Nicolas Cage seriously again. Every time I saw a movie with him in it all I did was pay attention to his mannerisms and wait for him to say something stupid so I could make fun of him. About a month ago I watched half an hour of Gone in 60 Seconds just so I could ridicule his every move. That, and I knew this gem was coming up:
Another Oscar moment.
This madness all came to a head when Andy Samberg began to portray Nicolas Cage on SNL. One such example:
What if the real Statue of Liberty IS buried under the White House? /Conspiracy Keanu
This past season, on what would become his next to last appearance as Nicolas Cage, he would be greeted by a very special guest - Nicolas Cage:
Seeing double.
I hope I have succeeded in my mission to ruin Nicolas Cage for you for all of eternity. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I have shared my revelations with many of those around me. None of them have ever looked at him the same since. But be warned, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have way more Nic Cage related material up my sleeve if I ever deem it necessary to deploy some of his magic upon the masses. So much Nic Cage, so little time. But for now, there's only one thing left to do:
There's a map on the back, you see.
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